many of you who know me know that i am not always the "nicest" person out there and i absolutely know that i can be a handful, that i'm short on patience at times, i=my words can cut like a knife and i can flat avoid you for months with no qualms. listen, i'm just being honest with myself and stating a few of my numerous character flaws.
here in the last year i have written off many of my friends without saying so much as a goodbye, i've reduced the number of friends(or so-called friends) by a third or possibly more... and to be honest, i'm okay with that. last year i started going back to church and many of friends were agnostic or flat out atheists and i have no right to judge, it's still intolerable for me to listen to them make fun of churches and church goers and so on, so i bowed out of those relationships but i still like those people and i wish them well, but it's not even that. i felt like i had a hard time devoting extra time and effort into building relationships. don't get me wrong, i love having friends but when i changed, i really changed. i quit going out. period. i quit surrounding myself with all that garbage. i figure i don't have the time for myself let alone going to a bar, ect. so now i'm trying to make friends at church and i have made a few and they are amazing but i still feel somewhat like i don't "fit" in anywhere. i'm in several small groups and there was only one that i felt like i belonged and now we're no longer a group, so i joined another and although everyone in the class is nice, i just don't think it's working. it's an all girl class(which i find difficult), the girls are all in their late 20s and are super kind, but i feel like i need to be in a group with like minded people. now i don't know if they judge me or not, but let's face it... there's a lot to judge. i'm basically a single mom with lots of tattoos and i'm not always open.
i don't know... i'm rambling. i'm praying that i find a place where i know that i belong and that i try my hardest to invest in people and not just sit here content with being alone. i think i should hold myself accountable to try and make some new pals but i just don't have a desire or see the point. i'm content having a few very close friends in my life and i'm okay being closed off. maybe i've been hurt too many times or maybe i'm just jaded.
anyways, it's late and i can't focus on my train of thought. sorry for blabbering on about nothing.
goodnight y'all.
After I became a Christian, it was difficult for me to maintain many of my relationships/friendships, and I think that is OK, but I would also encourage you that you might be able to be light to some of those who don't yet know Jesus. I've been able to reconnect with some friends that I thought I would never be able to speak to again because our belief systems are so different, but that hasn't been the case for me- we just have a less intimate relationship than before. I really believe that the Bible calls us to "do life" and be in relationship with all kinds of people, believer and non-believers alike- just like Jesus was when he was here. He ate and spent time with some of the "lowliest" people in order to introduce them to God and teach them.
ReplyDeleteAs for being alone... I hear you there. I love being alone. I could easily be home alone for days if I do not make a conscious effort to go out and meet with people. I find myself really content that way, but I would like to encourage you to be with other friends, especially other Christians, to be encouraged and to encourage. Being in relationship with others is a huge part of our walk with god, it grows us and challenges us.
I love you, sister. I'll be praying for you.