moving?

that's right.
now, i've been mulling over the "idea" of moving back to arizona for some time now, and sometimes i really, really want to and other times i get cold sweats thinking of being back in az, living there dealing with similar issues and the like as i did so many years ago before i moved away the first time, but honestly, i know that in my heart of hearts it would be different this time, and dare i say... BETTER? yes, that's right. better. i was once a drug user and i was wholly consumed by that life and i didn't care. period. this time around i'd be moving back on my terms(and God's of course) and i know that i wouldn't be doing the same things, hanging with the same bad kids or doing any of that craziness. i know that i am such a different person, who refused to believe in what i honestly knew, namely that God was still God and He has always loved me.
I'd be going back a new and changed jamie. yeah, i'd have to deal with certain things that have always bothered me, but it doesn't matter if i live there or here. i can't run from my problems. and arizona is not the problem... i was!
so, more and more i've been contemplating this big change and man, i want it like nothing else. i feel as thought it's time and i'm ready. i had initially planned on waiting until i was done with school, but that could be three years form now and i feel like that's too long. there's too much at stake.
seth is turning 11 this year and i want so badly to be there for him like i wasn't there for him before, i want to be around for my family and to watch all the kids grow up together as brothers and cousins, i want to have family over for dinners and to celebrate special holidays and birthdays. i do not want to live on top of my family by any means, but i want to be close enough to see them whenever time allows.
i think God has been changing my heart towards this as well. i know it would mean so much to my grandma for us to not leave her after a week 3 or 4 times a year and i miss my little sister like crazy!
i've been trying to figure it out financially and really, it is so price comparable to amarillo. of course i'd miss some the people here, but if they miss me, well, come visit! in all honesty, i'm such a reclusive person these days i don't think anyone would bat a lash when i did move, and that's okay. i purposely changed everything in my life for a reason and i'm okay with my choices, in fact, i'm proud of them. i want a good life for me and my boys. i want them to have a happy and healthy, successful mother who has gumption, strength and character. i want to be a good role model and i want desperately to get seth into my life. i know it'll be rocky and i would never, ever try and take him from his dad, he has a good, no, wonderful dad, but i do want to spend time with him, see him grow up. he's such a shy kid and i'd like to do whatever i can as his biological mother to make him happy and healthy, too.
please keep all of us and this decision in your prayers. i know my mind and heart are absolutely set on this, but pray that i can make this move financially, that i can find a good, price comparable apartment, a good preschool and job.
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