23 minutes in hell

this is the name of the book i read. it is written by a man named bill wiese.
let me back up and tell you that yesterday evening i took a trip to the book store and wanted to get a few new books, since one of the things i really miss is reading in any spare time i may have. i was browsing around and i had walked over to the christian book section and on the end cap in bold letters with flames all over the front is, "23 minutes in hell". i was curious about this book, obviously because i knew it was a christian book and the title gets you going. what in the world, right?
i read the back and i was very interested in this man's journey to hell. the thing that i really connected with was this book has 150 bible verses that match up with what this man experienced, and no he was not dreaming or having a near death experience. it was an event in his life that God allowed him to have to help him to share God's message of His word and the Truth. i don't want to give too much away, but i highly recommend any of my believer friends to please get this book. nothing i write about will give it justice and i can't convey this man's conviction through my words. i know you'll probably have your own doubts and such about what it is i'm blogging, but please go pick up this book! i read it in a matter of 2 hours and there are so many bible verses that are in accordance to what this man wrote and saw.
hell is a real place and he writes that hell is desensitized in our world today, and he is absolutely true. it's scary to think about hell in the literal sense, but when you think of where you could end up if you don't know God and have never excepted him into your heart... it's horrible. i know that i want to seek His Truth to anyone and everyone because hell is real and i do not want anyone to go there. hell is torment and torture and loss, sadness, loneliness, fear and all the negative emotions and fears we all have as humans. God created us in his likeness and He doesn't want any of us to suffer that fate. He loves us so much and it's incredible. the last words that this man heard form God before he ended up back in his home was God saying, " i am coming very, very soon." and i believe that it is an absolute truth. we may not know when but we must be ready and ready those around us to His second coming.
i think back to all the times where i have failed and that i am still a filthy sinner and i fall short of His grace, but through His love i am saved. i can't ask Him enough to forgive me of my sins and ask Him into my heart, to guide my life and lead me to share with others, which is hard for me because i don't always have the right words but i know it doesn't matter. the message of God's immeasurable love and grace needs to be shared with everyone i can reach. i am thankful that He never gave up on me even though i don't deserve any forgiveness from Him or His love. it amazes me everyday and i will not go a day without thanking Him.
sorry this has drug out, but i urge you to read the book and go out and share God's word and love with anyone and everyone!

r.i.p.

well, many of you might have seen my recent status comments on fb about fishie, sushi, ebi and jack the ripper.
those were the names of my beloved pets. my betta(siamese fighting fish).
let me start off by saying that i know a few of you probably think i'm nuts to be mourning the death of fish, but growning up i was not allowed pets and quite frankly, i hate cats and am scared to some degree of dogs, so when i was 16 i got my very first pet. a betta. his name was blue wednesday and i loved him so. on and off for my entire adult life i have kept bettas. this is the most i've had at once. i live in an apartment complex that forbids pets but will allow small fish in small containers. you aren't allowed to have a tank with filters and heaters, ect. last year for d's 3rd birthday i got him fishie(i know it's spelled fishy) and then last may i got sushi, in february i bought my very favorite betta ever, ebi. let me tell you, this sweet little female would let me pet her! yes, i said pet. i took the best care of my fish, with twice weekly water changes with distilled bottled water, special food and when i went out of town i used to fret over who would care for my "babies".
now, let me tell you of the tragedy that happened four days ago...
i was busy with house stuff and daylee was supposed to be playing, well, i come out to the living room and i see that in fishie's bowl there is not just fishie, but jack the ripper and sushi. anyone who knows anything about bettas knows you cannot keep males in the same tank. they fight to the death, and adding a female makes it even worse because they want to mate. ugh. *side note* bettas don't actually mate, but the females lay the eggs and the male deposits his sperm and then you remove the female and the male cares for the frys until you can remove them as well.
so anyways,
i am shocked. immediately i go to ebi's tank and she isn't there and i fear the worse knowing she isn't with the others. i walk into the kitchen and i see her on a kitchen towel, i have no idea how long she's been there and she is out of water.... dead, obviously. i break down and cry and call b freaking out and after i calm down i go in and get jack and sushi from fishie's tank, figuring there isn't a damn thing i can do for ebi at that point. i stick ebi in her water and what i see amazes me. she starts swimming! thank you, Jesus!!! i go to a specialty fish shop here in town and get medicine for jack and anti- stress solution for the others. jack the ripper had most of his fins ripped off by daylee as he attempted to put them in the same tank to play and ebi seemed to have jumped form his hand and he forgot about her. it was such a fiasco. i was frantic to try and save my beloved animals.
after many talks with fish experts it was waiting, hoping, praying and doing my duty to keep their water clean, feed them and stay away til they recovered.
well, sadly, yesterday ebi passed on first, then jack and now today sushi has passed, too. i don't think fishie will make it. i'm hoping but i don't want him to suffer any longer. it would be selfish of me. i hope he goes and quits suffering.
some people may thing bettas can't feel, or they
're dumb, but it's the opposite. bettas know their person, they have personalities and they are so wonderful.
so, i'm mourning my losses, but i won't quit adopting my favorite pet. i actually got two more females yesterday. one is black and yellow and her name is itty bitty and the other female is rust/red and black and her name is lucy. they remind me ebi. they have let me pet them, they are so curious and sweet. i just hope that nothing happens to them like what happened to the others. i know daylee didn't mean to do it but it still broke my heart and now he definitely knows fish are for looking at and we do not touch them or put them in other tanks that aren't theirs.

moving?

that's right.
now, i've been mulling over the "idea" of moving back to arizona for some time now, and sometimes i really, really want to and other times i get cold sweats thinking of being back in az, living there dealing with similar issues and the like as i did so many years ago before i moved away the first time, but honestly, i know that in my heart of hearts it would be different this time, and dare i say... BETTER? yes, that's right. better. i was once a drug user and i was wholly consumed by that life and i didn't care. period. this time around i'd be moving back on my terms(and God's of course) and i know that i wouldn't be doing the same things, hanging with the same bad kids or doing any of that craziness. i know that i am such a different person, who refused to believe in what i honestly knew, namely that God was still God and He has always loved me.
I'd be going back a new and changed jamie. yeah, i'd have to deal with certain things that have always bothered me, but it doesn't matter if i live there or here. i can't run from my problems. and arizona is not the problem... i was!
so, more and more i've been contemplating this big change and man, i want it like nothing else. i feel as thought it's time and i'm ready. i had initially planned on waiting until i was done with school, but that could be three years form now and i feel like that's too long. there's too much at stake.
seth is turning 11 this year and i want so badly to be there for him like i wasn't there for him before, i want to be around for my family and to watch all the kids grow up together as brothers and cousins, i want to have family over for dinners and to celebrate special holidays and birthdays. i do not want to live on top of my family by any means, but i want to be close enough to see them whenever time allows.
i think God has been changing my heart towards this as well. i know it would mean so much to my grandma for us to not leave her after a week 3 or 4 times a year and i miss my little sister like crazy!
i've been trying to figure it out financially and really, it is so price comparable to amarillo. of course i'd miss some the people here, but if they miss me, well, come visit! in all honesty, i'm such a reclusive person these days i don't think anyone would bat a lash when i did move, and that's okay. i purposely changed everything in my life for a reason and i'm okay with my choices, in fact, i'm proud of them. i want a good life for me and my boys. i want them to have a happy and healthy, successful mother who has gumption, strength and character. i want to be a good role model and i want desperately to get seth into my life. i know it'll be rocky and i would never, ever try and take him from his dad, he has a good, no, wonderful dad, but i do want to spend time with him, see him grow up. he's such a shy kid and i'd like to do whatever i can as his biological mother to make him happy and healthy, too.
please keep all of us and this decision in your prayers. i know my mind and heart are absolutely set on this, but pray that i can make this move financially, that i can find a good, price comparable apartment, a good preschool and job.
thank you all so much for reading my blogs. it means a lot to have 4 followers!

why, oh, why?!

*DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH*

so...
let me tell you all about the wonderful experience i had this evening, and let me also let this be a warning to you new moms out there who may read this.
i have a four year old as many of you know.
he has been potty trained since he was under three years of age. he wore a pull up at night up until about christmas, but that was more for my sake and not because he actually needed to be wearing one. occasionally we have a problem with him having an accident but it's few and far between. i never get mad. it's a part of childhood. i don't believe he will grow up and have a continuing issue. and that really has nothing to do with this particular story...
so, daylee is potty trained, which means that he gets his potty helper on the toilet(all by himself), uses the toilet, wipes, flushes and washes his hands(all by himself). i am really proud. he knows how to wipe his booty without using too much toilet tissue or leaving, ahem, poo behind. there has been times when it's not fully clean, but hey, he's 4 not 44. i figure, he may be little but he needs to learn to do these things for himself because i don't plan on wiping his ass forever!
so tonight he says, "mommy, i have to poop." so i say, "go to the bathroom."
so as usual he uses the restroom and when he comes out he's bare backed and asking for underwear and pants, and i'm like, "dear Lord, please, please help me!"
i go into the bathroom and see poop smeared all over the toilet, on the floor, on the sink and before i can tell him not to touch a thing, he's playing in his toy box, after he's found himself underwear and pants. ugh!
so, i spent hours, literally hours cleaning with bleach. i soaked all his toys in a tub of bleach water, scrubbed the floors, the tub, the sink, all the bedding, daylee's clothes and his dresser had to be washed off. it was horrible. i even had to clip daylee's nails to get the poop from under them out. disgusting, i am very aware. now, i'm praying, wishing and hoping that he does not wake up with pink eye(and i hope i don't either).
so, to all you new mommies, look out, you're in for lots of evening spent cleaning lots of crusty poop from toys, clothing, tubs, sinks, floors.
i'm so glad that i got everything cleaned and shiny, but the fear is in me. keep us in your prayers!

i finally broke down

and bought my very first parenting book. i took the advice of my very smart and talented sister and the kind encouragement of sarah.
man, i have to tell you...
i agree. too many "experts" say this and they say that, but bottom line is you have to go with your gut and what God tells you to do.
in the bible is says to spoli the rod and spare the child. so, for a while i was spanking, and well, it was an utter failure, and i don't want to be one of those parents who turn to spankings for minor infractions. it didn't feel right to me.
daylee has been wild and unruly for quite some time now, but with the issues he's had in the past with cysts on his frontal lobe, i've been leary to do and to that, but anyways, i got this parenting book and i'm not done reading it. i've used some of the tips in the last week and wow, there is such a difference in his attitude and the way he talks to me! we've been hugging and snuggling(something we could never do). i quit yelling because it got me nowhere, got him frustrated and well, was ineffective.
so, wish me luck guys!
we shall see!

may the 4th be with you.

for all you stars wars geeks(ahem, like my four year old).. today is STAR WARS day.
so pop a bag of buttery, salty popcorn and start from movie 1 and end at movie 6.
may the fourth be with you.
bahahahaha.

water for elephants.

so, i know i'm behind in the times but i recently read water for elephants, and let me tell ya! i loved, loved, loved that book. i finished it in a day and a half and i was so excited that they turned it into a movie(and with the handsome robert pattinson to boot!). now, let me also tell you how much i hate going to movie theaters... i absolutely hate it. they are expensive, crowded(on the weekends) and their snack selections and prices are crazy. i'd much rather go to the drive- in. for one, it's always a double feature. two, they have so many snack choices. their nachos are gigantic and have the best processed cheese sauce ever. three, you can sit comfortably in your car and not have some loser on their phone a row in front of you texting, talking and being inconsiderate. it's just a good time. i highly recommend trying the drive-in at least once in your adult life. i will also buy movies at wal-mart or target, but only if it's a movie that i really want to own. i just don't have the patience for sitting through a two a hour movie when i have laundry, cooking, cleaning, running after a four a year old and other responsibilities to tend to, and not only that but daylee most likely will not enjoy sitting and watching a movie with me nor will he allow me to do so either.
tonight was one of those rare moments that i actually wanted to go see a movie, in the theater no less, and i wanted to see if there was any chance that water for elephants the movie held a candle to it's counterpart, and let me tell you: DO NOT WASTE YOUR MONEY!!! ya heard me right. it strays from the book from the get go and in all honesty i couldn't take it, so 45 minutes into the movie i got up and left. yep. i have much better things to do with my time than waste it on a such a stupid movie.
have any of you read the book or seen the movie?
well, i hope that if you haven't read the book that you do. it is fantastic, but save your 8.00 for something worth while.